


hold on to the ones you love

by xllx (exasperatedmoron)



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Everything Hurts, Funeral, Heavy Angst, I Apologize For This, Kid Fic, M/M, Married Couple, imane is the best, loving and supportive friends, no happy ending, so is mama lallemant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-10
Updated: 2020-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:27:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22161028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exasperatedmoron/pseuds/xllx
Summary: heavy angst.lucas and eliott had the perfect life.however, life can be unpredictable and heartbreaking.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant, Sofiane Alaoui/Imane Bakhellal
Comments: 5
Kudos: 39





	hold on to the ones you love

**Author's Note:**

> _Paragraphs in Italics - Flashbacks_  
>  _‘Italics in single quotation marks’ - ‘Inner Thoughts’_  
>  ****  
> _Italics and Bold - Song Lyrics_  
>  this fic was inspired by the song “Brother” by Falling in Reverse.
> 
> i really really recommend listening to it first before reading this! and maybe keep it playing as you read it! i changed the theme from brother to lover.
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8for2WDxOwI
> 
> last warning: this is pretty angsty. and to quote my beta, 'beautiful and heartbreaking'. if you cant handle angst them uhm yea

Lucas adjusted his suit after stepping out of the car, trying not to step on the muddy patch on the ground.

It was raining, not too hard but enough to worry about stepping in mud as they walked through the grass. It was bad enough that he spent quite a dime on his outfit, but he’d do anything to be presentable to Eliott. His husband deserves as much.

“Papa! The ground is dirty!!”

Lucas looked down and smiled as his and Eliott’s daughter looked up to him with her ocean blue eyes and her arms extended upwards, curling and uncurling her fingers as she silently asks him to lift her up. He bent down to carry her with one arm while the other arm held the large umbrella that was meant to keep the three of them dry.

“How about you, Mikael? Are you okay walking in the grass?”

“Oui, Papa. I’m not scared of the mud!”

“Pas peur?”

“Pas peur!”

Lucas hoisted Chloé up on his waist when he felt her slipping a bit from his grasp and started to walk as his brown-haired son walked beside them. He tried to make sure none of them got wet, mainly because their hair was styled up. Their dads sadly passed down the habit of the ‘hedgehog hair’ as Eliott called it fondly.

As they got closer to the tent, Lucas saw the gathering of people in black and white.  _ ‘Eliott wanted them to wear white,’  _ he tried to tell himself. But it felt too informal, so everyone agreed to a black and white theme.  _ ‘Eliott wouldn’t have minded this instead,’  _ he thought to himself.  _ ‘Black and white. Like raccoons.’ _

“Hey, brother. Need help with any of that?”

Lucas gave a somber smile when he saw Yann and Chloé, his two best friends. He nodded as he got under the tent and passed the umbrella to Yann to close, and the bag with Chloé and Mikael’s things to Chloé. Well, his friend Chloé.

Seeing one of her best friends, little Chloé wiggled out of Lucas’ grab to head over to Luc. Upon seeing Chloé hug her son, Imane scanned the group to find Lucas and gave the young man a sad and supportive smile from the other end of the tent. Lucas tried to reciprocate, but grimaced and turned back to Chloé.

“Hey. How are you holding up?”

“Not so good, Chlo. But I’m trying to stay strong. For the kids.”

“You’re allowed to grieve, Lucas.”

“I just want to get through this today.”

They heard someone announce through the speakers that everyone should take their places as everything was about to begin. Lucas took a deep breath and walked to the front seats where Imane was ushering his kids to sit, with Yann and Chloé by his sides. As soon as he sat down and looked forward (a spot he’s been avoiding since he got there), he felt a ball form in his throat.

“Papa? Are you okay?”

“Yes, my baby raccoon. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay. If you’re not, I can hug you! Daddy always said that hugs are the cure for everything!”

Lucas’s chest constricted in a way that  _ hurt like hell _ and the ball in his throat just grew bigger. He shook it off and put his arm around Chloé and kissed the top of her head as he squeezed her to his side.

“Merci, princess.”

He felt Mikael lean on his other side and he put an arm around him as well. He was about to say something when the man in front of him spoke into the mic.

“Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to commemorate the life of Eliott Lallemant-Demaury.”

  
  


**_Love, why'd you have to go?_ **

**_You left us all so soon_ **

**_Remember that song I wrote about our family years ago?_ **

**_Well we’re waiting for you to come home_ **

  
  


Lucas barely listened to what the priest was saying. He knew it anyway, when he was at the church the day before helping things get set up and going through the schedule.

Lucas was too focused on the images in front. There were the standard two large pictures of Eliott. One where he was smiling at something off camera, that seemed to be taken right after they graduated from University. And another from early that year, when they went to one of Eliott’s art galleries and the entire family dressed up.

But there were also pictures of their kids. There was one of Eliott laying down on their couch with baby Chloé in his arms. Smiling and looking at her as if she was the only thing that mattered in the world. There was another one of him teaching Mikael how to paint, with the picture taken as they were mid-laugh at whatever was on the canvas.

Though, what Lucas found himself staring at was a picture of them at their wedding. They got married years after Chloé and Mikael entered their lives, so they were in the picture too.

Eliott and Lucas were standing in front of each other, with their smiles and eyes radiating joy and love, with Chloé and Mikael on each of their shoulders, laughing at something the photographer did to get them to smile. It was the perfect family photo.

That photo was taken less than a year ago.

  
  


**_What do I do? What do I say?_ **

**_And mama tells me to pray_ **

**_So I prayed and prayed but the hurt won't go away_ **

  
  


Lucas finally managed to tear his eyes away from the scene to look at the people around him. He was in the middle, with Chloé on his left and Mikael on his right. Beside Chloé was Chloé, Yann, Arthur and Basile. Beside Mikael was his mother, Eliott’s parents and Eliott’s sister. He knew from the previous day and looking at the sitting arrangements, that behind them were the rest of their lycee classmates, Mika and Lisa.

He made eye contact with his mother and she gave him a loving and warm look, as she placed her hand on top of her heart. Lucas felt his eyes start to feel sore and prickly as he remembered the day after everything happened and he had to tell their kids that their daddy was not going to come home.

_ ‘Ma… Mama, I don’t know- I don’t know how to tell them…” _

_ “Be honest.” _

_ “They’re never going to see him again, Mama. He’s  _ gone _!” _

_ “He is not, my son.” _

_ Lucas’ mother took Lucas’ trembling hand and held it tight as she pressed it firmly on his chest. _

_ “He’s there. He’s right there. He may not be here, physically. But he will forever remain in your hearts for all eternity.” _

Lucas felt a tear escaped his eye and quickly wiped it away. He can not cry. Not now. He has to stay strong for his children.

  
  


**_The pain gets worse, it never stops_ **

**_And I've asked the lord for us to swap_ **

**_I beg and plead cause you have kids to feed_ **

  
  


Lucas felt the ball in his throat grow larger and into his chest as the priest talked about how Eliott was a good father, amongst many things. He was. He really was.

Lucas remembered crying for three days straight after  _ the incident _ .

Chloé and Mikael were devastated, but Lucas felt lucky that they did not lash out in anger. They cried a lot, but always came to him for comfort. It ended up being a two-way street, because sleeping with their children in their bed is significantly better than sleeping in an empty and cold bed, alone.

Despite Chloé and Mikael’s presence, Lucas could not hold himself those three nights. He always managed to wait until the kids were asleep before grabbing one of Eliott’s sweatshirts, sneaking into the kid’s room and crying for hours as he clutched onto the article of clothing and clinging onto the faint scent of his husband.

On the fourth day, Imane and Sofiane came over in the evening because he was on the verge of breaking down, badly. Sofiane stayed in the kids room with the two children while Imane stayed with Lucas’ in his room.

Lucas was repeating how he wished it was  _ him _ that was in that damn car instead. That it was  _ him _ that was gone. Lucas was so overwhelmed, his cries were so loud that Sofiane had to take Chloé and Mikael to their place halfway through the night. He’d do absolutely  _ anything _ to have Eliott back.

_ “It hurts like  _ hell _ , Imane! It doesn’t get better! With every minute that passes, the pain gets so much more unbearable! I need him! I need him! I- Putain, I fucking need him!” _

Imane knew he would not do anything stupid to himself, because having one parent is better than having none. So she just sat there silently, holding onto him and rubbing his back.

He did not sleep at all that night.

  
  


**_Why is it always stormy weather_ **

**_And baby, tell me if it all gets better_ **

  
  


Lucas closed his eyes and tried to regain composure. He took a shaky breath in, and an even shakier breath out. It did not help.

The rain was getting heavier and heavier. He barely registered it when one of the volunteers increased the volume of the speakers. He did not even know which part of the eulogy the priest was at.

He just needed to get through the eulogy, go up to see Eliott one last time, walk back down, wait for everyone to finish, wait for them to lower his body, drop a rose, shovel in a pile of dirt and then him and the children could leave while his mother and their friends handle the aftermath so that his family and Eliott’s family could go home to grieve.

It felt too long.

  
  


**_Why did you leave? Why did you die?_ **

**_You finally made your lover cry_ **

  
  


Lucas remembered the morning after his breakdown with Imane. 

_ “Why.” _

_ “Why what, Lucas?” _

_ “Why did he die?” _

_ Imane’s tired look turned sorrowful as she put down their breakfast and sat beside him. _

_ “I don’t know, Lucas. All I do know is that it is neither yours, or his fault.” _

_ “I know. But why? Why him? Why now? Why would the universe do this?” _

_ Imane just stayed silent, which pressed Lucas to go on. _

_ “Eliott was a good man. He was one of the best. He was a  _ blessing _ and an  _ angel _. He did not deserve this. So why did he die? He has two children. He just signed a contract to design a ward for a children’s hospital. He was happy. He- He did  _ nothing _ wrong. So why did he die? Did God decide this? Did he want Eliott back? Or was it the universe? Telling us that in this universe, we are not meant to have a happy ending. Are all the Lucas’ out there alone and widowed now? Are all the Eliotts dead? Or am I the only pathetic bastard that the universe decided to throw under the bus?” _

_ Lucas felt something sharp engulf his right hand. He looked down and saw that he squeezed his coffee mug too tightly until it cracked. Now there was blood, coffee and tears on their dining table. He did not even realize he had started crying. _

  
  


**_I know you're watching over us tonight_ **

**_And I hope you're watching over us tonight_ **

  
  


_ Lucas felt empty and numb as Imane dressed his wound after cleaning it out. He just sat there, staring at the other side of the dining table where Eliott would usually sit. _

_ “You’re not, by the way.” _

_ “Not?” _

_ “Alone.” _

_ She got to the end of the crepe bandage and used surgical tape to tape it to the bottom. She pressed his fingernails to check his blood flow was fine before pushing everything aside and placing her hands on top of both of his. _

_ “You have Chloé and Mikael. You have me and Sofiane. You have your Mama, Yann, Basile, Arthur, Chloé, the girls and so many people. But most importantly, you still have Eliott.” Imane’s lips turned up into an ever-so-slight smile. “I don’t have an answer to anything you asked earlier. But what I do know for a fact is that he’s watching you. You and the kids. He will always, always look after the three of you. After all, he is an angel, like you said.” _

  
  


**_I'm sorry I missed your call_ **

**_I wasn't there for you at all_ **

  
  


Lucas took a deep breath again and turned to the side to look at Imane and Sofiane. They were a huge help throughout the entire process. 

He missed Imane’s first few phone calls as he was with a patient on the day of the incident. As soon as he stepped out of the patient’s room, he saw Sofiane in his nursing scrubs running into the ward and instantly found Lucas.

Everything felt like a blur as soon as Sofiane delivered the news and the two men were running towards the A&E department.

Throughout the process of watching his colleagues perform CPR, administering epinephrine and eventually calling out the time of death, Imane and Sofiane were a constant presence by his side. Sofiane kept him from collapsing on the ground and Imane clearly tried her best to revive one of her best friends back.

It was a hard time. The worst moment of his life. But he’s never been so thankful for the two of them and all they’ve done for him. 

He felt his trembling subdue a little bit, but then they returned full force when the priest called out that it was time to say his last goodbye.

  
  


**_Now no more calls, can't you see_ **

**_I took for granted family_ **

**_And once they're gone, you'll never get that back_ **

  
  


Chloé turned her head and tugged on her father’s sleeve, urging the young man to stand up. Lucas wiped his cheeks and stood up, grabbing both Chloé and Mikael’s little hands as they made their way to the front.

  
  


**_No more laughs, no more hugs_ **

**_So hold on to the ones you love_ **

**_Your soul is free, I love you Eliott_ **

“Hi, Daddy.”

Lucas choked up when they reached the casket. Chloé stood on the small stool for children and used her free hand to clutch onto Eliott’s hand that was placed on top of each other. Lucas felt a pang in his chest when he saw the rings on his husband’s finger. None of them were his wedding ring, but he knew Eliott loved his accessories and so he requested for it.

“Mika and I miss you.” Lucas saw their son reach out to place his free hand on top of his sister’s. On his small hand, was a small ring that Eliott gave him one random day so that he could ‘be like his dad’.

“Papa told us that you won’t come back home. And I don’t like that. But he also said it’s because you are going to be an angel in heaven, like you have always been here.”

“He also said that you are going to watch us from the clouds and protect me and Chloé from all the bad guys. I wish you could just stay here and protect us here. But Papa said that you can’t anymore.

“But it’s okay, Daddy. Papa can protect us here and you can protect us from heaven.”

Chloé and Mikael both kissed their hands and reached in and placed it on Eliott’s hand again.

“I love you, Daddy.”

“I love you, Daddy.”

  
  


**_And why is it always stormy weather_ **

  
  


The siblings removed their hands and let Lucas move freely, but still stayed close enough that he could feel their warmth. Lucas pushed down the lead ball of emotions that was as large as ever in his throat and chest and took a good look at Eliott.

The laugh lines on his face, the eyebags from staying up to write bedtime stories, his long lashes that would flutter against Lucas’ cheek when they woke up cuddling, the lips that has a little bit of lipstick on because of how pale it really was, the sharp features of his facial structure that made him look like a model.

Lucas placed one hand on Eliott’s hand and another on his cheek. He nearly flinched at how cold it was. 

  
  


**_And baby, tell me when does it get better_ **

  
  


“Hey, baby.”

Lucas felt the ball crawl up his throat as his voice began to get tighter.

“I miss you. It’s been hard, without you. But the kids and I are learning how to deal with it.”

Lucas felt tears welling up in his eye, except this time he let it fall.

“It’s going to be a big change and a long process. But we’re doing it the way you would want us to do. Minute par minute. But…” Lucas paused and tilted his head up.  _ ‘Goddamnit stop crying and say what you need to say,’  _ he thought to himself before looking back down.

“It’s hard. It’s really, really fucking hard Eliott.”

  
  


**_Why did you leave? Why did you die?_ **

  
  


“You- You mean the world to me. You still do. We had such a future ahead of us. We had so many things planned out and so many things to do. We- We were going to travel to Oslo for our anniversary, remember? Also, we were supposed to go to Daphne and Basile’s engagement party in December. After her due date. She’s going to name her baby after you, you know? And- And we were going to get that house nearer to the hospital? The bigger one with a huge front yard for the kids to run around and a huge tree for us to build them a tree house?”

Lucas’ voice was hoarse and broken, he was stuttering as he spoke and his hand was clutching onto Eliott’s so tight. Almost as if he was trying to squeeze life back into him.

“But now, we’re probably going to find somewhere smaller to stay. The house is too big without you. But still somewhere with space or near a park so that Chloé can train for her soccer matches. She made it into the team, by the way. We were going to tell you at dinner that night. It… It really sucks that you won’t be able to see her play,” Lucas sniffled and quickly wiped his eyes so that he can see clearer.

“Fuck, Eliott. You won’t be able to see her play, or see them go from primary school to high school. You won’t be here to see Chloé’s first goal, or attend Mikael’s first dance recital. You won’t be here to help them through their first love and… or their first heartbreak. You’re going to miss them graduating… going to college… get married… have their own family… Fuck. You left too soon, Eliott.”

**_You finally made your family cry_ **

“You left way too soon, baby. There’s … there’s so much more for you to do. Fuck, I still need you Eliott.”

Lucas’ voice was slowly getting louder and his grip was getting tighter, so tight his knuckles were turning white. His entire right arm was now leaning on Eliott and his left hand was gently nudging the older man’s face.

“I still need you. I’m not ready. Baby, please wake up.”

Eliott’s body remained just as motionless.

“Eliott,  _ please. Please please please  _ **_wake up_ ** _. _ ”

His cheeks were pale and cold, no longer the warm, blushed tone they once were.

“Baby, wake up!”

  
  


**_I know you're watching over from above_ **

Lucas thought he could keep it in when he walked to the tent. But as the rain grew stronger, so did his pain. His pleas were getting louder and louder. Pretty much everyone under that tent could hear him over the unforgiving sounds of the downpour.

The young widower clutched into the lapels of his late husband’s suit and cried into his chest. Chloé and Mikael were crying too, but into their Papa’s sides as they hugged the grieving man.

“Papa… Daddy won’t wake up. It’s okay. Please, Papa. Stop crying.”

The friends and family gathered behind them were silent and heartbroken. They knew the young man was grieving so no one moved to stop them. They just sat and watched the emotional scene unfold as Lucas cried and occasionally shook Eliott, begging him to come back.

Yann could not stand the sight of his brother in such a state and hid his face in the crook of Arthur’s neck as the equally tearful man held his friend firmly as the two of them cried. Both Basile and Chloé had arms around the two as well.

Lucas’ mother hand a hand over her mouth as she cried and watched her son hold onto her late son-in-law. She felt someone rub her back and turned to see Eliott’s mother also in tears. She accepted the gesture and the two grandmothers leaned on each other for support.

Imane and Sofiane were silent and holding each others hand tightly while their daughter sat on Sofiane’s lap. Both of them were crying but still able to keep it in. They still had each other, and they thanked Allah for that. Imane could not even begin to imagine what her best friend is going through, but she knew that she would be there for him through it all.

All of them will.

**_So hold on to the ones you love._ **

**Author's Note:**

> im sorry
> 
> i'd like to thank my wonderful betas, demaury (tumblr) and eliotts-eyes (tumblr). yall are the real mvps :)


End file.
